Used

to say it, to think it, to mean it, to hear it and think you were true. But now I don't say it, don't think it, don't dare even feel it, but every time I breathe it is there. Now the pain has stopped though, and I think I am getting used to you. Used to think that what I really needed was someone like you to help carry me through. Used to think what you really needed was someone like me. Now how could that be? Now I see that I was the last thing on your mind and the last thing you need is another "I Luv U"er. That's okay, the last thing I need is another "No" giver. Used to ache, now it's gone. Used to care, now I can't.

Karaoke Night

There is a weird sing-off going on in my brain. Ricky Martin and Dolly Parton taking turns and singing duets.

Ricky dice:
Tengo ganas de no tener ganas.

pero Dolly responde:
Or do I ever cross your mind?

¿Quién ganará?

Life in Uncertainty: The Process as the Solution

My Favourite Buildings

My favourite buildings stretch upwards for miles
Remind me somehow of your favourite smiles
Like oak leaves in autumn cascading on stiles
In the rain
--Robyn Hitchcock

My Horoscope

Conversations could turn on a dime early this week, with a shift from anger or distrust to a willingness to let go and move on. Discussing intimate subjects, then, is favored since you're able to express some very difficult emotions without damaging a valued relationship.

I Am Pretty Sure That I Could Have Come Up With These

WASHINGTON - A Pentagon review of Iraq has come up with three options--injecting more troops into Iraq, shrinking the force but staying longer or pulling out.

--The Associated Press

Sitting
On the floor
In an apartment
With a coffee table
Made of puzzles and
Thrown away dishes.

Reading a book
About a band
Whose lead singer
Decided
That there wasn't enough love
In this world for him.

I found this quote about nothing,
I mean, really, it's nothing.
Except it made me think
Of you,
After trying so hard
Not to.

(Translated from German:)
Take that whip out of your hand.
I love you most when I watch you eat.

Seas of Cheese

When the going gets tough
And the stomach acids flow
The cold wind of conformity
Is nipping at your nose
When some trendy new atrocity
Has brought you to your knees
Come with us we'll sail the
Seas of Cheese

--Primus

The other day I passed a man in Boulder who was pushing a bicycle holding all of his worldly possessions. He looked like your typical man-of-the-streets, and when I passed him he appeared to be having a serious conversation with himself. Embarrassed that I had caught him in this, he half-smiled and said "Sorry, but sometimes I talk to myself without realizing it." I looked him in the eyes and said, "It's okay, sometimes I do too."

I wish he had been there with me last night,
skipping, crunching
leaves and
singing:

Down down baby, down by the roller coaster
Sweet sweet baby, I'll never let you go
Shimmy shimmy coca pop shimmy shimmy pow
Shimmy shimmy coco puff shimmy shimmy pow
Grandma grandma sick in bed, she called the doctor and the doctor said:
Let's get the rhythm of the head, Ding Dong
Get the rhythm of the head, Ding Dong
Let's get the rhythm of the hands
Let's get the rhythm of the feet
Let's get the rhythm of the hot dog
Put it all together and what do you get?

Kissed my boyfriend
Naughty naughty
Won't do the dishes
Lazy lazy
Stole a piece of candy
Greedy greedy
Jumped off a building
Crazy crazy
Two chinese men sittin' on a bench
Trying to make a dollar outta eighty five cents
Twist twist
Twist like this
This is how me and my boyfriend kiss

Yeah, I Think I've Got It

24 Things That I Am Tired Of, and 24 Resolutions

1. I am tired of feeling this way.
2. I am tired of being angry.
3. I am tired of hoping.
4. I am tired of thinking.
5. I am tired of wondering.
6. I am tired of being the only one who cares.
7. I am tired of being tired.
8. I am tired of being foolish.
9. I am tired of being stupid.
10. I am tired of not being myself.
11. I am tired of not being a friend.
12. I am tired of not laughing.
13. I am tired of being melodramatic.
14. I am tired of being masochistic.
15. I am tired of all these little voices.
16. I am tired of being sad.
17. I am tired of being sneaky.
18. I am tired of lying.
19. I am tired of having broken fences.
20. I am tired of being irrational.
21. I am tired of being wrong.
22. I am tired of being distracted.
23. I am tired of it not being enough.
24. I am tired of being stuck.

1. I am done feeling this way.
2. I am no longer angry.
3. I will no longer hope.
4. I won't think anymore.
5. I won't wonder anymore.
6. I won't be the only one who cares.
7. I won't be tired anymore.
8. I won't be foolish.
9. I won't be stupid.
10. I will be myself.
11. I will be a friend.
12. I will laugh.
13. I will not blow things out of proportion.
14. I won't hurt myself.
15. I will listen to the big voice.
16. I will be happy.
17. I won't be sneaky.
18. I will be honest.
19. I will mend my fences.
20. I will be rational.
21. I will be right.
22. I will focus.
23. It will be enough.
24. I will be unstuck.

The Proverbial Circle of Life

Today, while sitting at the dining room table eating fish sticks, Cathleen and I watched our spider friend (Charlotte Juliet Antonia Spider) devour a wasp that was laying in the windowsill. She came down the wall and headed very quickly towards the sill, but as soon as she got within a couple of inches of the wasp, she stopped and was very cautious. The wasp was actually already dead, he probably knocked himself out while trying to fly through the double-pane glass, but our little girl was as careful as ever. She moved each leg slowly, watching for any sort of reaction from the wasp, making sure that she could get within striking distance without startling him. It's hard to remember, but it probably took her at least five minutes to travel an inch, always stalking her already dead prey. We think she was showing off for us, showing us just how stealthy she could be. When she had just an inch left to go, she stopped again and waited for another several minutes. I am not quite sure how she would ever kill a living thing if she was this hesitant about a dead thing, but she seems to be doing just fine. Just when I was starting to lose interest, she pounced. She took that last inch in one lightning fast leap, with fangs out and ready to sink them into the wasp's abdomen. After such caution, that last action was the most violent, grotesque, horrible, beautiful thing that I have ever seen. We get so disconnected from that brutal magnificence, sometimes it's nice to have it sneak into our kitchen.

I think I remember from junior high science classes that spiders have a poison in their fangs that liquefies the insides of their prey. I don't know how long this takes, but Charlotte Juliet Antonia sat there with her kill for a very long time. She started out on top of it, then slowly worked her way down, finally lifting the wasp up above her head to suck out every last, juicy drop of its innards. I kept an eye on her for at least 45 minutes, and she was there sucking the whole time. When I went back hours later, she was gone and only a shriveled wasp exoskeleton remained.

Trying to control the world?
I see you won't succeed.

The world is a spiritual vessel
And cannot be controlled.

Those who control, fail.
Those who grasp, lose.

Some go forth, some are led,
Some weep, some blow flutes,
Some become strong, some superfluous,
Some oppress, some are destroyed.

Lao-Tzu

These Fences Need Mending

Melodramatic, sleep-deprived dribble

Last night I went out and sucked down cigarettes like a chain smoker. It didn't matter what people were offering: Parliaments, cigars, Marlboros, Camel lights, cloves...I just went out onto the patio with a drink in one hand and nothing in the other and tried to see what I could find to fill it up. People were friendly as I floated around bumming and making small talk, I kept a smile on my face and never overstayed my welcome.

Everyone has got their religion, yes, and everyone has got their poison; something that they suck down to try to kill whatever painful thing they've got living deep inside themselves. And that poison will kill one thing and then create its own pain, only to be chased away by a new poison. Poison chases poison while the pain chases its tail.

But the good news is that, given enough time and enough smoke, you can make the pain go away.

Tenderness

La Ternura
Oswaldo Guayasamín

I would live on the streets in a cardboard shack...