The wrong exit

Once, when I was young (about 13) I had a good friend named Jennifer. Jennifer lived across the street, was a Lutheran, and had good things to eat in her pantry, a giant tree house in her backyard, and an older brother I had a crush on. She preferred to be called Jennifer, not Jenn or Jenny. Our birthdays were around similar days in the year, and I remember one year when we both got Nike gym bags, except I liked hers and she liked mine, so we traded. I still have that gym bag, it is sitting in a closet in Texas, and I still like it better than the one that my parents gave me for my birthday. We both liked the first Goo Goo Dolls album, and she was the first person to show me the hidden track on that CD. We grew close quickly, and could talk to each other about anything. But, even at the age of 13, this made me uncomfortable. And I remember one day when I looked her in the face and told her that I thought we were getting to be too close of friends. That I thought we shouldn't spend anymore time together. That is honestly what I said. I thought we were too close friends.

This, I would say, is the ugliest part of my personality. It is something that makes me ashamed. But it is something that I have known for so long that I am not readily aware of how to get rid of it and replace it with something better. When I told Jennifer goodbye, I didn’t really want her to go away forever. I wanted her to be torn apart. I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to beg me to remain her friend forever. I jumped in the fucking river and I wanted her to save me. And that is the hardest truth I have ever had to say.

Well, fuck me. I am sorry. I am 22 now and just starting to be able to realize that I need to change that. I don’t know how, and I don’t know how long it will take, but fuck me all the while until I get there. I apologize. I think this is the point where I need to switch it into reverse.

Something I wrote 2 days ago

I wish I could just stop dreaming about teaching. Every night it has been something different, but every morning I wake up feeling emotionally drained and stressed. When I am actually in Texas, I don’t think I dream at all. By the time I hit the mattress, I am so exhausted that I black out immediately and don’t waste energy on thoughts or dreams. I guess these dreams are coming up now because my mind actually has the time and the comfort to start digesting some things that have happened over the past few months.

It is snowing again. I have pulled back the curtain so that I can watch the flakes fall on the poinsettias, Christmas lights, and Adirondack chairs. A while back there was a cat sitting on my lap, but I think he has gone upstairs to investigate what is happening there.

This is where I come to feel comfortable and content. It is not my home, but I think I have made a place for myself here over the past few years. This is the best place for me to reflect and really dig deep into myself and the things and people that surround me.

It's like when you're making conversation
And you're trying not to scream
And you're trying not to tell 'em
You don't care what they mean
And you're really feeling fragile
And you really can't get home
And you really feel abandoned
But you want to be alone

LMS

My cart, feeling the Christmas spirit



















Some of my classes, feeling the "get out of school soon" spirit

Humorous advice from my horoscope

"Postpone all thoughts of math and politics and communicating with other people..."

How the hell am I (as a current math teacher, former international relations major, and lover of communication) supposed to do that?

Friday Night

This has been an(other) emotionally draining week for me. Basketball ended and I feel like a big part of the joy I had in my life is gone now. Our last game went to double overtime and we lost by a free throw. All my girls cried and were angry with me and each other, and I didn't know what to say. I held it together until M. (who I teach, coach, and often see around my neighborhood) told me she is moving away next week. After that I let all the girls clear out of the locker room and I sobbed with my head in my hands.

S. Guerra and her mother came in to speak with me on Tuesday or Wednesday. I can't remember if I have written about Guerra before or if I have just thought about writing about her, but she certainly causes me a lot of trouble. I don't think I have ever seen a person who has as much hate and anger in their eyes as S. has in hers. During the beginning of the year I tried to break that wall down, but she just got out of control so often that my patience wore thin and I gave up on her. Well, the meeting this week broke into to a shouting/swearing match between S. and her mother, and I now understand that poor girl much better than I had before. I should have said that I hadn't seen that kind of hate or anger in anyone else's eyes until I saw the way the mother looked at the girl. I think in most cases parents really do live with the monsters they create themselves, and this experience was living proof of that for me. I had to call security to get the mother out of that room so that I could actually talk to that girl like civilized people talk to each other.

Much of this week was devoted to fund raising and getting huge amounts of paperwork together so that I could take the basketball team to see an NBA development league game tomorrow night. That has been a stressful ordeal, but I think I finally managed to pull everything together, so I am proud to announce that I will be spending my Saturday night watching the Rio Grande Valley Vipers face off against the Colorado 14ers :-)

I am at a weird split in how I feel about my classes right now. I have completely given up on one class, and am out of ideas on how to get it back together. However, the rest of my classes are really going quite well and I am starting to enjoy my job. My kids are great. They regularly and sincerely tell me they love me, which is a weird sentiment coming from a middle schooler to one of their teachers, but I appreciate and reciprocate it. To tell the truth, I could see myself teaching for a while after this...I am starting to look into what I need to do to get certified so that I can teach in almost any state. I could really see myself finishing off my two years in Texas and then moving back to Colorado and spending a few years teaching there. I am just starting to realize that teaching is something that I am naturally inclined to do: I feel passionate about my students, I get to have a lot of fun at work, and I get the summers off. The only question I am struggling with is whether I should teach math or English. Teaching math has many advantages, but English is still my first love.

Now, if I could just find a man I feel that my life would be pretty set.

A is for Armadillo

Which I saw (alive. twice.) when I went hiking along the river on Sunday.















Everything else was much more scenic.

(A shot of the thin green line that separates us from ellos)

Dilapidated Downtown Pharr

I have been wanting to take a picture of the rundown town where I live for a long time. I just managed to snap this one while I was stopped at light today.

Sometime I will have to walk around and really document all of the old fruit stands, flea markets, and going out of business signs.