I'm not broke, but you can see the cracks

Right now in my classes I am trying to review basic skills with my students. I hate this part of the year because it seems like no matter how far back I go, I need to go back farther with them. I go back to review place value and how to order decimals, but this is pointless because most of my students don't understand the purpose of a decimal point. They don't understand the difference between a whole number and a fraction. They don't understand that in numbers like 15 and 3000, even if you don't see a decimal point, there is one at the end of all the numbers. So they can't tell the difference between the number 501 and .501.

I go back to teach them how to multiply fractions, and even though they understand the process, they get the answers wrong because they don't know how to reduce. So I review how to reduce but they don't understand because they don't know how to tell if I number is divisible by 5, 4, 3 or even by 2. So I ask them the difference between even and odd numbers, and they don't know the answer to that either. And this is in my advanced class.

Meanwhile, on the weekends I have been very into solving sudoku puzzles. I take the hardest ones and dive in for half an hour or so. I like them because they are complicated enough that it takes my full attention to be able to figure them out. I can't let my mind wander into thinking about how to teach children the difference between even and odd numbers. I also like them because they are easy enough that I can use logic to find a solution. Not like trying to find a solution to how to teach kids all of these things, when the things I am really supposed to be teaching them are how to solve equations and the Pythagorean Theorem.

On the other hand, I prefer to think about how to solve a problem like teaching, than to think about how to solve a problem like how to stay happy while I am here. The "fuck you" attitude gets me through the weeks, but the weekends are where things start to break down. Those hours by myself are when I can really start to feel the cracks. Once I get down this track, it is only the blasting music of my car stereo system that helps me focus my thoughts and get back to something that I can handle.

N is for Neville Who Died of Ennui

After giving it some thought, I have decided there is one way I can get through these next 9 months . If I can pull this one thing off, then the time will fly relatively quickly and I'll be out of this place without a scratch. If I can't do it, then I will probably have the most painful and longest 9 months of my life to date. But, it should be relatively simple.

See, the only I have to do is really love my job. I have to take all the parts I like about my job and dedicate myself to those things, and I have to take all the parts I hate and forget about them. What that means, I think, is that I have to go in there everyday with a big smile and be prepared to laugh, listen to music, and joke around with kids. I have to be well-rested and relaxed every single day. I also have to be prepared to neglect my planning and organization duties. Fuck 'em. I mean, I have to be the most unorganized, unprepared teacher at that school. If I have to wing every single lesson from now until April, I will. It's not like I am going out for teacher of the year here. I am just going to do my best to survive.

(P.S. In no way do I represent Teach For America in these statements. They would probably kick me out on the spot if they heard these things.)

Sometimes I feel it's easier to pretend you've found what you're looking for than to find the strength to keep looking.

Refrain: I need something, to believe in.

In Case You Need To Smile

My momma told me don’t lose you
Cause the best luck I had was you
And I know one thing that I love you
I said I be gone today but I’ll be back around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see the less I know
But I know one thing for sure

Vacation

I was so lucky to be able to take a trip last weekend where I got to do all the things I love to do, with the company I love to do things with, and be the person I love to be. It all felt so good that even though I was fighting a cold and an infection, I just couldn't stop. I smiled, climbed, danced, and sang until I collapsed and couldn't stop my shaking body from feeling overwhelmed by the full force of joyous exhaustion.

Now I am back and I just can't go. Eight and a half months seems like a long time away, and right now I don't feel like I have the mental or physical strength to get through it. I don't even feel like I have the strength to start back up again tomorrow. I need something in my life to be easy right now. I know it could always be worse, but could there be just one thing that is a little bit better? I can't dwell on this thought for too long. I know it is a selfish, self-pitying one, but it is the sum of blood, puss, pain, tears, piled up bills, failed lesson plans, failed hope, failed relationships, 12-hour days, and long, lonely nights. If I could take just one of these things and make it go away, I think I could handle the next 8.5 months easily. With all these things to face, I am not quite sure how I'll do it.

Smile

I have the best friend in the whole world.

Indie Rock

The thing I often find with Indie artists is that they have one song that I really like, but then the rest of their songs are too repetitive and whiny for me to deal with. I can't decide if this band is any different, but I am going to post this song while I think about it. They have at least a handful of songs that I enjoy.

Even the cameraman is dancing (he's making me sick)

So if you're ever feeling down,
Grab your purse and take a taxi,
To the darker side of town,
That's where we'll be,
And we will wait for you and lead you through the dancefloor,
Up to the D.J booth,
You know what to ask for,
You know what to ask for.

Go ask for Joy Division,
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we're so happy.

Today in class, while discussing the definition of "rational numbers."

Me: So has anyone ever heard the word rational before?

Student (raises hand): Miss, is that like that thing you have all over your body?

Me (puzzled): What? Oh my rash? No, it's not quite that. But you're right, I have been itching all day long.


I want to die, but at least my kids are clever.