2008

was a year of tears.
So many they can't be counted,
but every last one can still be felt.
It was a year of hard lessons.
Of learning how small twists
can make a big difference,
and how even when you want to make a difference,
the world is big and you are small.

It was a year of fear.
And of drowning in uncertainty,
so much that you forget what it felt like to be found.
It was a year of loss and of losing yourself.
Of finding your limits, passing them,
and hanging on by a thread.

It was a year of loneliness,
but it was never a year of being alone.
It was a year where you learned
the true value of a plane ticket,
and how much it can mean
to just hear to phone ring at the end of the day.
It was a year of learning to catch,
and learning how to let yourself be caught.

Yes, it was a year of struggle.
But it is also at the end of this year,
that you feel the most lucky of all.

What's it going to take

to bring a smile again?
to make me care again?
to want to try again?
to want to feel again?
to make me plan again?
to make it all okay again?
to make me start again?
to stop the tears again?

Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And I'm not kidding

Its damned if you don't and its damned if you do
Be true cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
Sand everything

All Good

It is almost 7 o'clock on Sunday night and I am sitting in bed with a cat purring by my side while I finish off the bottle of wine that kept me pleasantly buzzed this weekend. I am all prepared for tomorrow and the upcoming week at work. Physical therapy is done. Basketball is almost done. Colorado is coming soon.

What is even better is that I can feel myself start coming to life again. I did things this weekend that made me feel like me again. At times, I had to stop and make myself think about what these things are. Just like some people ask themselves "what would Jesus do?" I have to ask myself "what would I do?" in order to get myself active and out of my mental hibernation, but in time these things will start to come naturally again.

I love this time of the year in Texas because it feels like spring time in Colorado. I can walk around for the next 4 months pretending that summer is just around the bend, and then I can actually start planning my move. Packing. Ordering a U-Haul. Buying a plane ticket. I know things won't be easy once I get out of here, but at least I will be able to be me again.

Found this version last night at some point. I couldn't tell if it was the wine that made it seem so good, but when I woke up this morning it was still in my head. Don't know what the video is all about, but whatever...