It Comes Down To This

I don't ever want to feel that I'm putting more in than I'm getting out.

Time Has Told Me

Time has told me
You're a rare rare find
A troubled cure
For a troubled mind.

And time has told me
Not to ask for more
Someday our ocean
Will find its shore.

It's tough enough what love will do

I told you I loved you, now what more can I do?
Told you I loved you, you beat my heart black and blue.
I told you I loved you, now what more can I do?

I Like This

Context - The Lovers: Decisions cannot be made solely by the heart, or by the mind. It is the marriage of the two that can lead us to make the right choices of life. Neither side should be ignored. When choices confront you, you must step back and think logically about the situation and you must also consider how your heart feels.

Your touch

sends a current down my spine.
Electric shocks which tingle my toes,
sweep me up, and set the whole world to dancing.
Such a feeling which lasts the whole night long
and leaves my cheeks sore from smiling.

Your whisper
resounds like thunder in my head.
Words I thought I'd never hear,
and thoughts I'd never entertained,
now pound my brain until they are all I can believe.
A new dawn, a new day, a new life for me.

Your glance
gives me the power of sight.
I can see the past and future, coming together and
connected in this bridge of time.
I can see beauty in myself, feel trust in love,
and have a new faith in things previously beyond belief.

Yes,
the spark
in your eyes lights a fire in my soul.

It Could Not

have been a better summer if I had planned it.

At The Demolition Derby

I found a boy

with palefire eyes. With eyes that alternatively look as if I have come to save them, or as if they have come to save me. With bluegreen eyes, that in the daylight look like the tips of ocean waves, and in the night look like its darkest depths. With eyes like that, it's no wonder we're both drowning.

No one can fit me better on the small things. We can sit around a coffee table, building towers out of blocks, higher and higher until our ambition outgrows physical possibility, and towers crumble to dust with the slightest breath. Perfect days are made just by holding hands while rollerblading through the park. Who else could I do that with? Or in bed, we can hold each other tightly, laugh until we cry, and then roll over and make love again.

However, can we fit each other on the big things? This is probably the first time in my life where I imagine the future with someone beside me, and believe it or not, that is a scary transition. Sacrifices must be made and plans changed. And I know there are certain things that I will ask him to sacrifice as well. How much can you give up without resenting the one you gave it to? Will it be worth it in the end? I like to think so, but I wonder if he does too.

But this morning he looked at me with those palefire eyes, and told me I had him heart, mind, body, and soul. And then all the questions faded away.

Every time I see you everything starts making sense

Deja New

I am sitting in one of my favorite places in the world. There's nothing but blue skies, red barns, and flowering trees outside the window, and my best friend is recovering upstairs. I am reminded once again of how much we've helped each other through these past few years. It hasn't always been easy for either one of us, but I think right now we're both in a spot where it could be really good for a long time. I don't want to jinx us, but I am hopeful for the future.

When I was in Texas, the thought of my return to Colorado was really what pulled me through a lot, especially toward the end. I imagined that my move here would be the impetus for my new, perfectly happy and fulfilled life. But in the back of my mind, I knew it could never actually be all THAT good. After all, I have left this place several times before, always seeking something better. And I was right in one way, but wrong in another. It hasn't been as good as I imagined, but it has been a whole lot better. In some ways Colorado has been everything that I remembered and hoped that it would be again, and in some ways it has been something completely new and unimagined.

The hills have been greener, the weather has been cooler, friends have been closer, love has been deeper, sweeter and sooner than I could have ever predicted or hoped for myself. Or maybe I am just finally in a place in my life where I can really appreciate all of those things. Maybe it just took two years of almost daily misery to realize what I'm looking for, and to be comfortable with myself no matter what the circumstance. It took a long time to learn how to let someone love me, and how to love that person in return. To learn how to be my own self, and still support the people around me. Now that I've got all that figured out, it seems like the whole world is rising up to support me.

As I've been writing this, here is what I've realized: when I moved to Texas I lost nearly everything I had before; friends, family, culture, music, respect, and beauty. But, in losing everything, I found myself. And what a beautiful place the world is when you know that much.



Now if only I could find a job.

Do you ever have deja vu, he asked.

Yes, why?

I think I dreamed this before...or else I just knew it was supposed to be like this.

In the words of my good friend...

I'm fooked.

Love Songs

are so much sweeter when you have a face to put with the tune

In Honor Of A New Outlook On Life

Cliff Jumping

This time I was ready to jump. In fact, I was trying to fall. I took his hand and thought, 'on the count of three, you jump with me.'

But now I'm the one falling through space, and his feet stayed planted on solid ground. With the wind on my face, and my heart in my throat, the only thing I can think is 'you bastard, you were supposed to come with me.'

Falling alone was not in the plan.

San Francisco

My (and the Joker's) new philosophy on men:

I'm like a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one!