Weddings

are not a great place for the broken hearted. Don't get me wrong, it was the best wedding ever, there was lots of dancing (Jewish and otherwise), singing, laughing, drinking, toasting, beauty, and love, but at times those things felt like rubbing salt in the wounds. I am hurt, sad, confused, and crushed, and somehow being around people who aren't all those things just doesn't seem fair. The emotional highs and lows of the weekend were brutal. I would alternate between pure happiness and bliss, without a thought of you in my mind, then I would hate you for giving up on me, then I would understand why you left, then I would want to call and tell you I can do whatever you want, if you'll just please take me back. I did text you and never heard back from you, but other men, who were practically strangers, texted me instead and asked me to spend time with them, even if only for a few hours. I didn't go with them, they weren't you. So many questions left unanswered. I'm not sure where I went wrong this time, I don't know what could have been done differently. What I do know is that I could never treat you this way, could never ignore you. Reaching out to you seems so futile now, but I can't stop wanting to try.

Getting Deep

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived."

I am very scared that this is me. And scared I don't know how to changed it