At some point on Friday I got so angry that I left school. That was after I was so angry that I punched another teacher in the arm who had just pulled a prank on me. That was after I was so angry that I stopped trying to teach the whole class and just sat down at a desk and taught the one girl in the room who wanted to listen to what I had to say. That was after I was so angry because the principle told me I could no longer throw students out of class, no matter what they said or did. That was after I was so angry because I learned that a student who said some very disgusting things to me will not be punished, either by the school or his parents.

So I left the school. And, although many people thought otherwise, I was planning on coming back. And I did come back.

But before I came back I drove around in my car for an hour with the windows down and the stereo turned up. At some points I thought about lots of things all at once, and at some points I thought about absolutely nothing. In the end, though, my head was clear and I walked back into the school and a couple of teachers gave me hugs and told me it would be okay. I taught my last block of classes, I coached my team, I came home and made dinner and passed out in my bed at 8:30.

I am exhausted. I miss Colorado. I am frustrated. I am lonely. I am angry. I am lost and without a lot of options.

But, for some reason, I do not feel defeated. When I left school I was always planning on going back. I am planning on going back on Monday, too. I am grading papers, making lesson plans and game plans, doing my laundry and paying my bills. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I have to keep going or I will lose all momentum and just crash. Maybe it's just easier to keep going than to change directions. Maybe it's because I know I only have to be down here for 2 years, and then I get the chance to do whatever I want again, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's because I want to figure out whatever the hell there is to learn from this whole experience. Maybe it's because I am hanging in there for the few kids that I feel actually appreciate the fact that I show up everyday. Probably it's a combo of all of those things. Whatever it is, I hope that after the end of 2 years I will have done more than just survive, but maybe that is the best I will be able to do.

It's Because I'm White, Isn't It?

For the past few weeks I have noticed that many of my students accidentally call me Ms. Thomas. Although I have never met Ms. Thomas, I know that all of the kids hate her and try to transfer out of her class, so I was curious about the similarity between us. Today I finally asked the kids in my last block why they kept on mistaking me for Ms. Thomas. They said, "Well, Miss, it's 'cause she's white, too." At which point I started laughing a lot and said, "what, are you saying that all white people look the same?"

And...that was the highlight of my day. (I know, lame.)

Tomorrow's highlight? Benchmark testing means I only have to teach for 2 periods!

Two Reasons Why I Am Annoyed Right Now

1) Some Harley Davidson owner has been riding his bike in circles around the neighborhood for the past 1/2 hour. His engine is so loud that he sets off all of the car alarms as he passes by.

2) I can't remember number two. The sound of car alarms keeps on echoing in my head and driving out all other thoughts.

The answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain why years later all you could remember was the terror of the question.
Plus, you weren't listening
You were stockpiling canned goods
making a bomb shelter of our basement.
And I can't believe you let the moral go by while you were soaking in the product placement.
And where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters that you wrote to yourself but could not address?
I'm a good kisser, and you're a fast learner
And that kind of thing could float us for a pretty long time.
And then one day, you'd realized you've memorized my phone number
And you'll call it and find it's a disconnected line.
Cuz I got tossed out the window of love's el camino
And I shattered into a shower of sparks on the curb.
You were smoking me weren't you, between your yellow fingers
You just inhaled and exhaled without saying a word.
and where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters that you wrote to yourself but could not address?
There's a smörgåsbord of unspoken poisons
The whole childhood of potions that are all bottled up
And so one by one I am dusting off labels
I am uncorking bottles and filling up cups.
So go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine
and I'll have a taste of mine
But first let's toast to the lists that we hold in our fists of the things
That we promised to do differently next time.
Cuz the answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
which might explain why years later all you could remember was the terror of the question.
Cause I'm not listening to you anymore.
My head is too sore and my heart's perforated
And I am mired in the marrow of my "well ain't that funny?" bone
Learning how to be alone and devastated.
and Where was my conscience?
Where was my consciousness?
And what do I do with all these letters that I wrote to myself but can not address?

I like this song for many reasons. But really, any song that uses the word 'smörgåsbord' is okay with me.

Writing About Nothing

I have 4 insignificant things that I would like to record tonight:

1) I had a very enlightening discussion today about the definitions of the words "taco" and "burrito." You see, I was getting confused because down here they call anything in a tortilla a "taco," no matter what the size or the contents of the stuffing are. I was confused because it seemed to me that in Colorado we call food made with small tortillas "tacos" and things made with big tortillas "burritos." Well, all the people here seem to think that a "burrito" is something small and fried. I told them they were wrong, but then they reminded me that they invented the tortilla, so the conversation stopped there.

2) Back at my parents' house, all of my brothers and sisters (except the 12 year-old) are gainfully employed now. One brother is busing tables at a Chinese restaurant, another brother is at Best Buy, and my sister is a "lube tech" at a Dodge dealership somewhere. I think all of these are fine jobs for each of them, and I would also like to add that this actually quite a momentous occasion. I mean, I knew they would all have to work sometime, I just didn't quite seem likely or possible. Good for them.

3) One of my co-workers told me today that it looked like the kids were driving me "violent." That is a problem. I think I need to practice yoga or zen meditation or something. Maybe I could just go the Seinfeld route and start shouting "serenity now!" in the middle of class.

4) I would also like to say congratulations to the Rockies. I wish I could be in Colorado for the World Series. Kick Ass!

I finally made the big plunge and bought a set of pots and pans so that I can actually cook. It is nice and relaxing to come home at the end of the day and throw something together that is delicious and healthier for me than all the crap I have been eating lately. Tonight I experimented with Pad Thai not made from a box. The success of the meal was that I made a kick ass sauce with pretty good balance of oyster sauce, crushed chilies, lime juice, and a little bit of sugar. The trouble spot was those damn rice noodles. They were a little more crunchy and sticky than they should have been, but they were still edible when coated in delicious sauce. All in all, I think it was a good test run.

While I cook and wash dishes I can look out my window and watch the big, fat, Southern sun set over the fence.














I think I already said something like that here, but now I have a picture.

I am burned out, frustrated, and tired of being a mediocre teacher. The good news is that I stayed after work today to fill out the necessary paperwork to send the boy who deemed me the "fucking white devil" to alternative school for the rest of the semester. I have also contacted the parents of many of my students and invited them to come to class to sit with their children. Many have made plans to come next week, so I hope that will make an impression on some of the kids who do not seem to be able to keep Spanish obscenities from coming out of their mouths while I am trying to teach.

Girls basketball practice start tomorrow morning, so I will now get to add "coach" to my long list of new experiences for this year. Basically the only thing I know about coaching basketball is that I should teach the girls this one play that my friend Alan drew on a paper plate and gave to me as a gift of knowledge. Although I am not looking forward to how much time it will suck up, I think it will be fun and will be a good way to work with some of the kids outside of class.

After I publish this I am going to go clean up dinner and curl up in bed to watch a movie and fall asleep.

So, adieu and goodnight my friends. If you know anything about coaching, teaching, cooking, or being an adult, please send your tips to me via e-mail, phone call, or paper plate.

148

Is it too early to be counting the days left in the school year?

On Loren's Ranch

Cactus and barbed wire...we must be in Texas.

Now, I took this picture at night using my phone's camera, so the quality isn't real great, but you can still see that this is a very weird sight. I didn't know trees grew that way.

I saw that tree on my way to meet some friends for sushi. In the middle of dinner one of them (the same girl who introduced me as "cupcake" to the Houston PD) decided that it would be a really funny idea if everyone sang happy birthday to me. Somehow, she got the whole restaurant in on it. The waiter even brought us a free dessert. I think that girl thrives on being able to embarrass me in public.

After dinner I came home and wrote an outline for everything I will be teaching this week, including the quiz my kids will be taking on Friday.

All in all I'd say it was a weird night.

Before 9:30 AM this morning...

I had written more referrals than I have in the previous 5 weeks combined.

1 of those was given to a student who I threw out of class for calling me "the fucking white devil teacher."
2 were given to two boys who were fighting in the back of the class. I turned around just in time to see Deviant 1 throw Deviant 2 to the ground and hear D2's head hit the pavement.

The rest were just silly and I don't really want to talk about them.

I hate Mondays.