At some point on Friday I got so angry that I left school. That was after I was so angry that I punched another teacher in the arm who had just pulled a prank on me. That was after I was so angry that I stopped trying to teach the whole class and just sat down at a desk and taught the one girl in the room who wanted to listen to what I had to say. That was after I was so angry because the principle told me I could no longer throw students out of class, no matter what they said or did. That was after I was so angry because I learned that a student who said some very disgusting things to me will not be punished, either by the school or his parents.

So I left the school. And, although many people thought otherwise, I was planning on coming back. And I did come back.

But before I came back I drove around in my car for an hour with the windows down and the stereo turned up. At some points I thought about lots of things all at once, and at some points I thought about absolutely nothing. In the end, though, my head was clear and I walked back into the school and a couple of teachers gave me hugs and told me it would be okay. I taught my last block of classes, I coached my team, I came home and made dinner and passed out in my bed at 8:30.

I am exhausted. I miss Colorado. I am frustrated. I am lonely. I am angry. I am lost and without a lot of options.

But, for some reason, I do not feel defeated. When I left school I was always planning on going back. I am planning on going back on Monday, too. I am grading papers, making lesson plans and game plans, doing my laundry and paying my bills. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I have to keep going or I will lose all momentum and just crash. Maybe it's just easier to keep going than to change directions. Maybe it's because I know I only have to be down here for 2 years, and then I get the chance to do whatever I want again, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's because I want to figure out whatever the hell there is to learn from this whole experience. Maybe it's because I am hanging in there for the few kids that I feel actually appreciate the fact that I show up everyday. Probably it's a combo of all of those things. Whatever it is, I hope that after the end of 2 years I will have done more than just survive, but maybe that is the best I will be able to do.