I am flabbergasted by the types of behaviors that are deliberately taught to children. I think before I had always assumed that habitual bad behavior was a product of neglect, failure to correct, or else just bad example. I never would have imagined that many children are deliberately and explicitly taught to behave badly. It's not always that the adults in their lives failed to teach a lesson, it is sometimes that the adults chose to teach the wrong lesson.
Arg...I am too frustrated to construct this line of thought so that it makes any sense. Suffice it to say that sometimes people suck, and in new and ever surprising ways.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Today
I was supposed to do work,
To give attention to those piles of papers
And long neglected e-mails;
big, fat monkeys on my back.
Today
I did not want to do work,
So I did not. My attention was given
To more frivolous things, ones
Even longer neglected.
Today
I settled into a peace
And a comfort, I created for myself.
I practiced feeling at home,
Practiced constructing my home.
Today
I went diving through the past.
Found memories so dear, they still grab my breath,
Leave me stoned, empty, lost,
But kiss me awake at night.
Today
It was the perfect mixture
Of past and present that helped me remember
Who I am. What I do. What
I think. How I feel. I feel.
To give attention to those piles of papers
And long neglected e-mails;
big, fat monkeys on my back.
Today
I did not want to do work,
So I did not. My attention was given
To more frivolous things, ones
Even longer neglected.
Today
I settled into a peace
And a comfort, I created for myself.
I practiced feeling at home,
Practiced constructing my home.
Today
I went diving through the past.
Found memories so dear, they still grab my breath,
Leave me stoned, empty, lost,
But kiss me awake at night.
Today
It was the perfect mixture
Of past and present that helped me remember
Who I am. What I do. What
I think. How I feel. I feel.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Dia de Dar Gracias
Today's Thanksgiving turned out to be much better than I had expected it to be. I was originally planning to try to leave the country because I was afraid that if I was around here for the holiday it would throw me into some spiral of deep depression. Unfortunately, the fact that I was fighting a cold and had a couple of other obligations around town forced me to stay planted at home and left me to face the two-fronted attack of being alone on the holidays coupled with seasonal angst and ennui. Fortunately, I was armed with a good game plan.
I woke up early this morning and immediately began baking. By 10 am I had made 4 pies. My spirits were lifted by the creation of these delicious confections, and also by the fact that it was chilly enough outside to actually make it feel like fall. I put on my favorite hoodie (which I thought I would never need down here) and proceeded to walk around the neighborhood. It was nice to be able to pop into two different houses and smell them baking two separate (but equally huge) turkeys for our feast later in the day. I spent the rest of the day busying myself with other minor food preparation events, and by 3 o'clock all of the white people left in the Rio Grande Valley started to converge upon Mark's house for dinner. There was enough food there to feed at least 40 people, and since there were only 20 of us, we were all incredibly happy. Generally speaking, it was all pretty delicious. The only thing that I was disappointed about was the sweet potatoes. Someone tried to make them healthy instead of with butter and marshmallows, and I thought that was particularly lame and inconsiderate on this holiday...but oh well.
The conversation at dinner (of course) turned to teaching horror stories--with each one of us trying to outdo the others in the scale of horrible things that have happened to us since we got down here. We went from category to category--starting with gang activity, followed by sexual activity, drug activity, violent activity, and then ending with just plain funny stories of kids not working. I guess these are sort of stereotypical stories given our current living and working choices...I mean, I can't get over the fact that these are the types of stories that people will expect us to tell when we come home for the holidays, but that is a random tangent that I don't want to follow at this time.
After dinner I was stuffed and it was starting to get hot inside the house, so I suggested to a couple of friends that we go outside and lay in the grass. It was so cool outside that we had to come back in to get a quilt, and I imagine that we 4 girls must have looked quite goofy lying together on the front lawn, tightly packed underneath a twin-sized quilt, but we were enjoying digesting our food in the cool air. After a while a few of the guys came outside to play Frisbee, which made our relaxing time slightly more dangerous as we were constantly dodging flying disks coming at us from all angles.
To top the evening off, a bunch of us went to see No Country For Old Men, which was uncomfortable, creepy, tense, violent, and beautiful. Those Coen brothers know how to tell stories all right. There were a couple of scenes at the US-Mexico border that were especially poignant for those of us living at the US-Mexico border.
So I guess all of that is that setting and what follows is the conclusion. I was worried that today would make me realize how alone I am and make me want to run away and never return. And actually, it made me feel similar to that, yet in an importantly distinguishable way. I realized that I am never truly alone; I am surrounded by a good bunch of people that are going through a similar experience that I am going through. I also realize that this common experience is a hard one for all of us. For me, it's like taking the hardest thing I had ever done in the past, putting that thing on steroids, having it speak another language and culture, and then locking me in a small cage with it while I try to make it succumb to my fleeting intellectual prowess. Of course it is going to be ugly. I don't know what else I was expecting.
I am also beginning to understand something else about myself. For the past few years I have had the habit of floating around quite a bit. I don't know exactly what I have been looking for. I think in part I am just looking to see the world, in part I have issues staying in one place and getting too close to people, in part I am looking for a good story to tell, and in part I am looking to give my life some meaning. However, I also think that I was under the impression that in Colorado people are narrow-minded and all think the same way--and I was looking for some mythical land where every person thinks in different ways and sits around and talks about it in cafes or something. I thought that this sort of intellectual conversation in coffee shops was what life was all about. But now I am coming to realize that although the chatter varies from place to place...if you stay in one place it is all pretty much the same. And on top of that--the chatter isn't really all that important anyway. What is important is the places, people, and things that the chatter is all about. And by putting myself in a place where I am in constant pursuit of the "intellectual buzz," I have missed what the buzz is all about.
Now, all of that is a sort of roundabout way of saying that I am ready to come home now. And by that I don't mean that I am ready to leave the Rio Grande Valley. You see, before when I was in Boston or in New Zealand or really just about anywhere else, I was always ready to leave. I was never really comfortable where I was. But that doesn't mean that I was ready to go home. I never wanted to go back to Colorado. I thought going back meant admitting that I was a boring and lame person. So I was always ready to leave to someplace new, but never ready to return to the place where I am from. I wanted to be different than all of the people I grew up with. I wanted to have a more interesting, more important life. Yes, it was very egotistical of me. But now I feel a little wiser and a lot humbler, and I am ready to come home. I am ready to find an apartment somewhere in the suburbs and be happy there. I am ready to live in one of those "little boxes" I disdained so openly. I realize that I could travel around the globe, but until I can be comfortable with myself at home, I won't be comfortable living any place else either.
Anyway, if you are still reading this I commend you. Thanks for bearing with me. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up early this morning and immediately began baking. By 10 am I had made 4 pies. My spirits were lifted by the creation of these delicious confections, and also by the fact that it was chilly enough outside to actually make it feel like fall. I put on my favorite hoodie (which I thought I would never need down here) and proceeded to walk around the neighborhood. It was nice to be able to pop into two different houses and smell them baking two separate (but equally huge) turkeys for our feast later in the day. I spent the rest of the day busying myself with other minor food preparation events, and by 3 o'clock all of the white people left in the Rio Grande Valley started to converge upon Mark's house for dinner. There was enough food there to feed at least 40 people, and since there were only 20 of us, we were all incredibly happy. Generally speaking, it was all pretty delicious. The only thing that I was disappointed about was the sweet potatoes. Someone tried to make them healthy instead of with butter and marshmallows, and I thought that was particularly lame and inconsiderate on this holiday...but oh well.
The conversation at dinner (of course) turned to teaching horror stories--with each one of us trying to outdo the others in the scale of horrible things that have happened to us since we got down here. We went from category to category--starting with gang activity, followed by sexual activity, drug activity, violent activity, and then ending with just plain funny stories of kids not working. I guess these are sort of stereotypical stories given our current living and working choices...I mean, I can't get over the fact that these are the types of stories that people will expect us to tell when we come home for the holidays, but that is a random tangent that I don't want to follow at this time.
After dinner I was stuffed and it was starting to get hot inside the house, so I suggested to a couple of friends that we go outside and lay in the grass. It was so cool outside that we had to come back in to get a quilt, and I imagine that we 4 girls must have looked quite goofy lying together on the front lawn, tightly packed underneath a twin-sized quilt, but we were enjoying digesting our food in the cool air. After a while a few of the guys came outside to play Frisbee, which made our relaxing time slightly more dangerous as we were constantly dodging flying disks coming at us from all angles.
To top the evening off, a bunch of us went to see No Country For Old Men, which was uncomfortable, creepy, tense, violent, and beautiful. Those Coen brothers know how to tell stories all right. There were a couple of scenes at the US-Mexico border that were especially poignant for those of us living at the US-Mexico border.
So I guess all of that is that setting and what follows is the conclusion. I was worried that today would make me realize how alone I am and make me want to run away and never return. And actually, it made me feel similar to that, yet in an importantly distinguishable way. I realized that I am never truly alone; I am surrounded by a good bunch of people that are going through a similar experience that I am going through. I also realize that this common experience is a hard one for all of us. For me, it's like taking the hardest thing I had ever done in the past, putting that thing on steroids, having it speak another language and culture, and then locking me in a small cage with it while I try to make it succumb to my fleeting intellectual prowess. Of course it is going to be ugly. I don't know what else I was expecting.
I am also beginning to understand something else about myself. For the past few years I have had the habit of floating around quite a bit. I don't know exactly what I have been looking for. I think in part I am just looking to see the world, in part I have issues staying in one place and getting too close to people, in part I am looking for a good story to tell, and in part I am looking to give my life some meaning. However, I also think that I was under the impression that in Colorado people are narrow-minded and all think the same way--and I was looking for some mythical land where every person thinks in different ways and sits around and talks about it in cafes or something. I thought that this sort of intellectual conversation in coffee shops was what life was all about. But now I am coming to realize that although the chatter varies from place to place...if you stay in one place it is all pretty much the same. And on top of that--the chatter isn't really all that important anyway. What is important is the places, people, and things that the chatter is all about. And by putting myself in a place where I am in constant pursuit of the "intellectual buzz," I have missed what the buzz is all about.
Now, all of that is a sort of roundabout way of saying that I am ready to come home now. And by that I don't mean that I am ready to leave the Rio Grande Valley. You see, before when I was in Boston or in New Zealand or really just about anywhere else, I was always ready to leave. I was never really comfortable where I was. But that doesn't mean that I was ready to go home. I never wanted to go back to Colorado. I thought going back meant admitting that I was a boring and lame person. So I was always ready to leave to someplace new, but never ready to return to the place where I am from. I wanted to be different than all of the people I grew up with. I wanted to have a more interesting, more important life. Yes, it was very egotistical of me. But now I feel a little wiser and a lot humbler, and I am ready to come home. I am ready to find an apartment somewhere in the suburbs and be happy there. I am ready to live in one of those "little boxes" I disdained so openly. I realize that I could travel around the globe, but until I can be comfortable with myself at home, I won't be comfortable living any place else either.
Anyway, if you are still reading this I commend you. Thanks for bearing with me. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I just learned that basketball practice on Friday is being canceled due to predicted "cold weather." Please look at the weather forecast.
Chinga.
Chinga.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Why I woke up smiling
Last night I dreamt that I met a few friends of mine for a Patty Griffin concert at the Boulder Theatre. :-)
Friday, November 02, 2007
I am not quite sure how this blog became just the "weekly story of my life," but, for better or worse, that is what it is. I had originally set up another blog that I planned on being the website to keep everyone informed, and I was going to continue using this site as a place for my rambling on "deep shit" (you know, poems and stuff). But now that I have found myself in a situation where I am in actual deep shit, I find that I am less inclined to produce anymore emotional shit to deal with, and I am also weary to tell people other than my closest friends what is actually happening down here. So, after that preamble, here comes another "weekly story of my life that no one reads" (other than the most important people)...
In general this week was much better than the past few weeks have been. I think this is in part due to a number of small miracles (ie, certain children transferring to other schools and other certain children deciding it was time they got their act together and actually do a couple of division problems), but also in part due to my new-found "I don't give a shit" attitude. You see, this week I finally decided to drop the idea that I was going to make a difference in the life of every child. Even gone are notions that I am failing if children are not quiet and paying attention. These days, if certain kids or certain classes are awful, I just let it roll of my back rather easily. They aren't worth me caring about that much. This week I used all of the energy that I usually spend on correcting behaviors and instead focused it on actually teaching the good kids and letting them know that I appreciate them and like them. So even though at least 1/3 (if not 2/3) of my day is chaos, I honestly don't give a shit anymore. I just gear up to go have fun with the 1/3 of the kids who do respect me. I have found that this makes me a much happier and much more energized person at the end of the day.
Coaching basketball is another thing that is giving me energy and helping have a lot of fun during the days. The girls that I coach are absolutely hillarious and, even though I really don't have a clue about how to be a coach, it is something fun (and scary) for me to think about during the day. When I agreed to be a basketball coach I kind of assumed that I would be starting off as an assistant coach and not all on my own, but I guess that was a poor assumption because there I am running the whole show. Even with my lack of coaching experience, the string of miracles continued and we won our first game against the Barrientes this week. I don't know what a Barriente is, and neither did the one girl that I asked, but even though they had matching basketball shoes and we do not, we still kicked their asses. Our next game is coming up on Monday against a team that I hear is really good, and I am nervous because I do not feel that I have prepared my girls well enough, but I guess there is nothing I can do about that at this point.
I am starting to get to know a couple of girls that I teach/coach/live in close proximity to. I am amazed at how mature they seem and some of the experiences they have had already. I guess as part of the nature of the lives of people who live here, these girls and their families have moved around a lot from country to country and state to state. I like them a lot and am glad that I get the chance to spend time with them.
Okay, I am sure that I have more to tell, but at this point I have to run off to go see American Gangster with the Sam Houston Heights crew. Nothing better than Denzel and that other guy to top off my saturday night.
In general this week was much better than the past few weeks have been. I think this is in part due to a number of small miracles (ie, certain children transferring to other schools and other certain children deciding it was time they got their act together and actually do a couple of division problems), but also in part due to my new-found "I don't give a shit" attitude. You see, this week I finally decided to drop the idea that I was going to make a difference in the life of every child. Even gone are notions that I am failing if children are not quiet and paying attention. These days, if certain kids or certain classes are awful, I just let it roll of my back rather easily. They aren't worth me caring about that much. This week I used all of the energy that I usually spend on correcting behaviors and instead focused it on actually teaching the good kids and letting them know that I appreciate them and like them. So even though at least 1/3 (if not 2/3) of my day is chaos, I honestly don't give a shit anymore. I just gear up to go have fun with the 1/3 of the kids who do respect me. I have found that this makes me a much happier and much more energized person at the end of the day.
Coaching basketball is another thing that is giving me energy and helping have a lot of fun during the days. The girls that I coach are absolutely hillarious and, even though I really don't have a clue about how to be a coach, it is something fun (and scary) for me to think about during the day. When I agreed to be a basketball coach I kind of assumed that I would be starting off as an assistant coach and not all on my own, but I guess that was a poor assumption because there I am running the whole show. Even with my lack of coaching experience, the string of miracles continued and we won our first game against the Barrientes this week. I don't know what a Barriente is, and neither did the one girl that I asked, but even though they had matching basketball shoes and we do not, we still kicked their asses. Our next game is coming up on Monday against a team that I hear is really good, and I am nervous because I do not feel that I have prepared my girls well enough, but I guess there is nothing I can do about that at this point.
I am starting to get to know a couple of girls that I teach/coach/live in close proximity to. I am amazed at how mature they seem and some of the experiences they have had already. I guess as part of the nature of the lives of people who live here, these girls and their families have moved around a lot from country to country and state to state. I like them a lot and am glad that I get the chance to spend time with them.
Okay, I am sure that I have more to tell, but at this point I have to run off to go see American Gangster with the Sam Houston Heights crew. Nothing better than Denzel and that other guy to top off my saturday night.
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