In the past few months there have been many random occurrences in my life. I guess, if you think the way I do, most things in life are without reason, but I have found myself thinking "what the fuck?" even more often than usual these days. There have been fender benders, weird relationships, personal injuries, and fortuitous finds in the street. Some of these things have left me feeling naive, powerless and paralyzed, unable to make a decision or choose a path in life, some have given me strength, confidence, and the feeling that I possess wisdom beyond my age, and some have left me feeling just stupidly lucky (or the opposite).
And, at the end (or, more likely, the middle or beginning) of all of these things, I want to say, "Life, could you give me something to work with?"
So I am sitting here on the couch, drinking some God-awful beer that my roommates left in the fridge. I have a stray dog sleeping by my left foot, and my cell phone by my side in case Josh returns my call so I can break up with him because he is either entirely uninterested IN me or completely uninteresting TO me. And as I am sitting here, I am trying to find a purpose in everything. Not a God-given purpose, but a Me-given purpose. I don't think any event has any more or less of a purpose than I assign to it, but I am sitting here wondering, "What purpose will I give the event of hurting my knee? What will I learn from it? How will it affect me?" or "What purpose will dating Josh have served? What will I see differently about myself and about the world now?" or "How does finding this dog change the way I look at the prospect of living in South Texas for another year?" or
(The phone rings, hold these thoughts.
He's at the bar. I told him to call me back when he wasn't at the bar. Sascha is whimpering, I think she can tell I am upset.)
or "Why the fuck don't people take better care of their dogs?" It's no wonder we don't take better care of each other.
To boil it down, I guess I am just looking for lessons. Morals from these stories. That's what nice about fairy tales, they are so didactic. The reasonable side of my head tells me that's also why they're fantasies.
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3 comments:
i don't think things have a purpose for us any more than falling off a leaf has a bigger meaning for a ladybug. it's human nature to want to connect external events to our own lives. it makes us feel like we're more important than bugs on a leaf. that's why we've come up with religion and astrology, etc.
it's really all just random shit and some of it means more to us than others.
I agree, and I should have made a more clear distinction. Random shit happens for no apparent reason, and I didn't mean to say I was looking for causes. Really all I care about are the effects.
If I am the fallen ladybug, I am not wondering "Why did that happen?" just "How does that change things?" or maybe "Do things look different down here on the ground than they did up on that leaf?"
or, where's the aphids?
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