Feelings

One day I woke up and here I was. I was driving down Highway 83 with the river on my right, green fields and palm trees on my left, and a million sparkling dreams in between (theirs, mine and everyone else's). I was a young, confident, 20-something with a couple of things going for her and just enough ambition to work for some other things.

I love my new house. I love that I can create my own space and surround myself with little things that I make beautiful. I can come home exhausted, strip off all of my clothes and fall asleep naked on top of the sheets. I love that (after I have put my clothes on) I can pull up the blinds up in my kitchen and watch the sun set over the trees, fields, fences and department stores of the Valley. I hate standing in that kitchen and cooking for only one person. I hate that I have no one to sit and talk with. I have never been one who really needs sexual interaction with other people (what I do need I can satisfy with a weekend of flirtation), but I have always been a person who needs someone they can feel comfortable with and confide in. I have no one to walk and talk with. I have always had someone like that before.

I love that I have a job with a salary and insurance. I put on professional clothes everyday and show up and try to act like I know what I am talking about. I love the times when I actually do know what I am talking about. I hate that I have no balance in my life. I wake up at 4 in the morning and stay at school working until 6:30 or 7 pm. Then I work some more from home. I hate the feeling that even with those long hours, I am so far behind I will never get caught up. I hate struggling when I am supposed to be leading.