Tonight

As I was leaving class, walking through the dark parking lot with the cold wind stingy my face, I felt drained and exhausted, ready to strip down naked and curl up in a warm bed. But I also felt overwhelmingly happy -- blissful and expectant, like the walk to my car was the best thing I had done all day long and there was something wonderful waiting for me there. And then, after I turned the key and started to drive away, I realized the reason for my excitement. For the past year that long, cold, dark walk has been the last hard thing I had to do in the day. My brain was conditioned. I knew that once I was done with that walk, it was only a few minutes drive home and into the arms of my lover. I knew that he would kiss me and hold me tightly as I drifted off to sleep.

And then I remembered that I couldn't go back to that home. That I had to turn the car around and drive 30 minutes in the opposite direction. That he wasn't waiting for me. That I no longer get to see him at the end of the long day.

And then I started to cry.

I had a dream

we were together. We were laughing and happy, walking hand in hand. There was a ring on my finger and you were proud to call me yours.

It was so painful to wake-up this morning.

I want to believe

in soul mates. I want to believe that he is my soul mate, and that this is just a little bump in the road that we can work on.

On the other hand, I want to date more and see what's out there. But I forgot how much dating sucks, and how little I get along with most people. And I realize that wanting to 'see what's out there' directly conflicts with the desire to have things work out between the two of us.

On the third hand, I think I may have already ruined what was in the first hand, so I guess I just need to get over it and stop waiting for him to call.

It's funny

and kind of scary. It seems like I saw this coming from the beginning.

"Sacrifices must be made and plans changed. And I know there are certain things that I will ask him to sacrifice as well. How much can you give up without resenting the one you gave it to? Will it be worth it in the end? I like to think so, but I wonder if he does too."

I guess he didn't.

How good can it be?

You forced me to face all of your beauty
Then turned your beauty away from yourself
This road that we've taken doesn't seem to stop here
But doesn't seem to go anywhere else

And your heart rests in your chest
Like a charm 'round your neck
That you couldn't find words to refuse

And this high horse you ride
It has broken its stride
As it leads us through worlds built for you

So walk with me a little bit further
So I can find the tenderness you keep inside
God made you with a taste for the madness in love
But you confuse your gift with your pride

And I can't help you with removing that bandage
I will leave you all to yourself while you heal
As I'm learning time is a language
And it's the best way to explain how I feel...

So forgive me for feeling so strongly
But I feel like we can finally agree
That true lovers always end up lonely
Cause they know how good it could be

--Dawes

Procrastination

I don't want to move the rest of my things out. I don't want to make myself at home here. I don't want to find a new place to live. As long as I still have some of my things there, I still have a reason to go back. Still have hope that this is all a bad dream, that we can talk and work things out and I can go back to our home and we can be happy together again. Moving out feels so final.

The best day of your life

is the one on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses.
No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours.
It is an amazing journey and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins.

-- Bob Moawad

This was the home we shared

For the record

there are reasons why we aren't working out. I also need to remind myself of those reasons: I feel I shoulder the brunt of the responsibility in the relationship. I'm the one responsible for coming up with a plan, and also the one responsible for making sure the plan works. He doesn't mind my plans, as long as they don't inconvenience him in any way, shape or form. He doesn't feel the need to come up with any sort of his own plan. He works full time, true, but he needs his free time. He doesn't mind if I don't have free time, as long as I don't ask him to sacrifice any of his. I am responsible for working full time, going to school part time, saving for the future, then going to school full time while I still pay my half of the bills, bearing children, being a mother, and being the bread-winner while he gets to stay home at least part time and be the stay-at-home dad. He doesn't mind being a stay-at-home dad, as long as I do all of the things that are necessary to get us to that point. He is content with life the way it is. I admire that. But I don't admire the inability to foresee what we want our future to be like, and being willing to help work and sacrifice to get there. If he doesn't see the future the same way I see the future, he should speak up with an alternative.

To me, just some slight changes would make our relationship rock solid and long-lasting. To him, those changes aren't slight, they're monumental. And, as he's told me a hundred times before, true love doesn't ask for change. True love accepts the other for the way they are. I suppose that's true, but I also think that true love wouldn't let one person carry the whole load. I think I still love him, but the load I've been bearing has been breaking my back. And now it breaks my (our) heart.

That was joy

Starting 2012

with a broken heart.

Maybe I did this to myself. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I'll never be happy. I wish I knew the answers to these questions. And I wish I knew why, after spending almost two months thinking only about the reasons why it wouldn't work out, now I can only think of all the good things about him?

I wish I had spent more time on this blog documenting the good things. Thinking about them now just feels like picking at old wounds. But I want to remember them. Right now the pain is unbearable, and the only thing I want to do is run back to him and take comfort in his loving arms. Since I can't do that, the second best thing is to take comfort in the memories of the love we shared. I want to write them here in hopes that I can purge them from my thoughts for a while. I hope this can be a vault -- a place to keep these memories safe, but also a place to conceal them from myself until I'm ready to come back to them.

Why didn't I write more about his kind heart? About the warmth in his blue eyes when he smiled? Why didn't I write about all the fun we had? Tubing on warm summer days, going for long hikes and taking our shoes off to dip our toes in the stream while Roxy played in the water, making strawberry lemonades with whiskey in mason jars, reading together on the couch while a fire cracked nearby, playing horseshoes in our campsite or in the backyard, demolition derbies, zombie malls, dancing and singing in the kitchen while making dinner, our wonderful trip to the Sand Dunes, Mesa Verde, and the Grand Canyon, the beautiful home we shared, or just curling up on the couch to watch a movie at the end of a long week. Why didn't I write about how he made me feel like I was the most wonderful girl in the world?

Why didn't I write about the good times when we had them? Now I just want to go back to them.