Starting 2012

with a broken heart.

Maybe I did this to myself. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I'll never be happy. I wish I knew the answers to these questions. And I wish I knew why, after spending almost two months thinking only about the reasons why it wouldn't work out, now I can only think of all the good things about him?

I wish I had spent more time on this blog documenting the good things. Thinking about them now just feels like picking at old wounds. But I want to remember them. Right now the pain is unbearable, and the only thing I want to do is run back to him and take comfort in his loving arms. Since I can't do that, the second best thing is to take comfort in the memories of the love we shared. I want to write them here in hopes that I can purge them from my thoughts for a while. I hope this can be a vault -- a place to keep these memories safe, but also a place to conceal them from myself until I'm ready to come back to them.

Why didn't I write more about his kind heart? About the warmth in his blue eyes when he smiled? Why didn't I write about all the fun we had? Tubing on warm summer days, going for long hikes and taking our shoes off to dip our toes in the stream while Roxy played in the water, making strawberry lemonades with whiskey in mason jars, reading together on the couch while a fire cracked nearby, playing horseshoes in our campsite or in the backyard, demolition derbies, zombie malls, dancing and singing in the kitchen while making dinner, our wonderful trip to the Sand Dunes, Mesa Verde, and the Grand Canyon, the beautiful home we shared, or just curling up on the couch to watch a movie at the end of a long week. Why didn't I write about how he made me feel like I was the most wonderful girl in the world?

Why didn't I write about the good times when we had them? Now I just want to go back to them.