New Perspective

I found this quote in a post from back in 2006.  I think this is what I'm trying to do right now.  I'm in the "letting it penetrate" phase. 

Learn to detach. Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one.... If you hold back on the emotions--if you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. You can say, "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is. Detach." 

I need to detach.  I know that's what I need to do.  But honestly, "the thought of detachment makes me sicker than the thought of the pain of all of those different emotions. I want to feel those things fully, completely, dirtily, and I want to hold onto them and not let them go. Like a mother protecting her babies, I want to savagely clutch them to my breast, and desperately fight off anyone who tries to tell me to put them down." I don't want to let these things go, because I don't want to let you go.  "I want to feel them with or without fear of propriety, disappointment, or regret. I want to let them consume me; I want to stay in bed with these emotions all day, feeding them and not myself. I don't want to compromise, I don't want to be rational, and I don't want to settle. I want to travel around the world chasing it, I want to be made a fool of."

But now I realize that by indulging myself, but letting myself feel these things unabashedly, I may finally be able to reach the ultimate goal of detachment.  

Hypothesis

Ambition is part of who I am.  Anyone who doesn't see that doesn't really know me.  Anyone who doesn't embrace that doesn't really understand me.  Anyone who thought they could change that was fooling themselves.

Safety is part of who he is.  Safety, comfort and happiness are what he lives for. Anyone who didn't see that didn't really know him.  Anyone who didn't embrace that didn't really understand him.  Anyone who thought they could change that was fooling themselves.

I knew this about us.  I knew we were opposite in that way.  But all along I thought we could meet somewhere in the middle.  And I don't mean to say that he is never ambitious or I am never happy.  I just mean our default modes are different.  I thought he could teach me a little bit about being content.  I thought I could teach him a little bit about pushing.

What's funny is, I imagine, he is now seeking safety, comfort, and happiness more than ever before.  And I've set a more ambitious path for myself than I ever previously imagined.  We both ran back to our default modes in very big ways.  Maybe it's best to find someone who operates in the same default mode.  At least there is a common language spoken there. 



  

Confession

Forgive me, Mother,
For I have sinned.
I let my true love
Be taken by the wind.

Yes, my child, your crime is grave, indeed.
For my best gift is love to those in need.
And for this reason, your punishment shall be
Bitterness of regret, your love be lost for eternity.