New Perspective

I found this quote in a post from back in 2006.  I think this is what I'm trying to do right now.  I'm in the "letting it penetrate" phase. 

Learn to detach. Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one.... If you hold back on the emotions--if you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. You can say, "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is. Detach." 

I need to detach.  I know that's what I need to do.  But honestly, "the thought of detachment makes me sicker than the thought of the pain of all of those different emotions. I want to feel those things fully, completely, dirtily, and I want to hold onto them and not let them go. Like a mother protecting her babies, I want to savagely clutch them to my breast, and desperately fight off anyone who tries to tell me to put them down." I don't want to let these things go, because I don't want to let you go.  "I want to feel them with or without fear of propriety, disappointment, or regret. I want to let them consume me; I want to stay in bed with these emotions all day, feeding them and not myself. I don't want to compromise, I don't want to be rational, and I don't want to settle. I want to travel around the world chasing it, I want to be made a fool of."

But now I realize that by indulging myself, but letting myself feel these things unabashedly, I may finally be able to reach the ultimate goal of detachment.  

Hypothesis

Ambition is part of who I am.  Anyone who doesn't see that doesn't really know me.  Anyone who doesn't embrace that doesn't really understand me.  Anyone who thought they could change that was fooling themselves.

Safety is part of who he is.  Safety, comfort and happiness are what he lives for. Anyone who didn't see that didn't really know him.  Anyone who didn't embrace that didn't really understand him.  Anyone who thought they could change that was fooling themselves.

I knew this about us.  I knew we were opposite in that way.  But all along I thought we could meet somewhere in the middle.  And I don't mean to say that he is never ambitious or I am never happy.  I just mean our default modes are different.  I thought he could teach me a little bit about being content.  I thought I could teach him a little bit about pushing.

What's funny is, I imagine, he is now seeking safety, comfort, and happiness more than ever before.  And I've set a more ambitious path for myself than I ever previously imagined.  We both ran back to our default modes in very big ways.  Maybe it's best to find someone who operates in the same default mode.  At least there is a common language spoken there. 



  

Confession

Forgive me, Mother,
For I have sinned.
I let my true love
Be taken by the wind.

Yes, my child, your crime is grave, indeed.
For my best gift is love to those in need.
And for this reason, your punishment shall be
Bitterness of regret, your love be lost for eternity. 

Strong

You can see through the smoke
And though you know
That something's broke
You're holding on for now
Aiming for the mark
How is it that your scars light up
like flashlights in the dark
Leading with the heart
You know your battle from the start
Don't let it wear you down

You can make it alone if you try
Til' the beat come home
I know you'll sing it
You can make it alone if you try
They never see your fire
Til' you make it out

Both Hands

And I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
And I am getting nowhere with you
And I can't let it go
And I can't get though
So now use both hands
Please use both hands
Oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
Hard we tried
How hard we tried

Eleven Years

"You foolish boy," she said. "You're just like me.  If you can't have the lover you want, you won't have anyone else."..."After your father died, I lived alone rather than take second best.  I never wanted another man until I saw Tom.  That was eleven years later." She detached her hand from his.  "I'm telling you this for a reason.  It may take eleven years, but you will love some else one day; I promise you."

There is still so much I don't understand right now.  I'll never forgive myself for taking things for granted before.  For being ready to leave because this whole thing just wasn't practical enough for me.  I'll never understand how I underestimated how much I loved you.  I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving you.  I don't understand how you were never able to forgive me.  You never could do any kind of self-reflection, never could see my side of things.  I cannot comprehend how easily you got over this whole thing.  How you seem so happy now, curled up in the arms of another.  I can't imagine how it isn't killing you to not be with me.  It's killing me.  I can't settle for second-best.  Every time I meet someone else, they're compared to you.  They just don't grab me like you did.  Your love grabbed me from day one, and still hasn't let me go.  I know I shouldn't be acting like the victim here.  I brought this whole thing on myself.  But I still don't understand.  I can't give up.  How did you?  I can't look for love anymore.  You are love.  If I look anywhere else, I don't find it, because it's not you.  So, I'll stop looking.  I'm trying to train my heart to be hard, so that it stops aching for you.  If I could only act as indifferent towards you as you act toward me.  The opposite of love is indifference.  I can't go there.  Honestly, I don't know if we'll ever be able to be friends.  It kills me to lose you.  It kills me to think of a life without you.  But I don't want to be your friend.  If I can't have you all the time, I won't have none at all.  I want to be your lover.  I want you to come back to me, and I want us to work things out, once and for all.  Maybe I'm crazy.  I'm trying to remember all the reasons I was willing to walk away before.  But they just seem so small now, compared to how much I love you.  How much I miss you.  I'm so sorry.  I'm trying to understand why you left me, time after time, when we were trying to work it out.  The truth is, I know you won't ever come back to me.  Not now.  I know you too well.  You've moved on, and you don't come back to something once you've moved on from it.  I'm trying to remember how to live my life without you.  Trying to find happiness again.  No, not happiness actually.  I'm trying to find numbness.  Happiness is much farther away than numbness.  I'm hoping Ellen is right.  I hope that somewhere down the line, maybe several years from now, maybe I'll be able to love like that again.  I hope someday your memory won't cause me to start sobbing.  I hope you're happy, I truly do.  But I can't understand how you're happy without me. 

Running

For me, it is a process of converting emotional pain into physical pain, learning to push through it and ultimately getting some endorphins as a nice little reward.  I've never been very good at it unless I've got that emotional pain as fuel.  So, thank you for giving me enough fuel to run all day. 

I know

it's just a stupid teenage novel.  Still, I can't help but relate to her in those months after he is rescued.  I know what it feels like to see the one you love look back at you like he doesn't know who you are anymore.  Or, alternatively, look back at you like he sees you for the first time, but despises what he sees.  I know how the guilt can eat away at you.  That you know it's your fault he's so far gone, that you pushed him away, but can still be angry with him for going away.  Knowing you should be able to try, should be able to do something to bring him back.  But being completely clueless about how to do it.  Even your love make him angry and pushes him farther away. 

I know what it feels like to realize you took everything for granted.  To be confused and refuse to acknowledge your emotions until it is too late. To wish, beyond reason, beyond hope, that there was something you could do to bring that old person back.  Maybe not even the old person, but maybe just some person who can stand to be in the same room with you would be a good start. 

I know all of these things very well now.  The one thing I don't know yet is how to move on. 

I don't understand

How can we both say we want the same thing, and yet completely disagree on how and what we need to do in order to get there?  I could do things differently, sure.  Did I go too quickly?  Maybe so.  It was silly of me to get so worked up over one stupid little night.  That was my fault.  I could back off.  Could make rules for myself regarding frequency of visitation, etc.

But how long can I go without him being in love with me?  I can't demand that from him, obviously.  Can't make him fake it.  But, I need his love.  In a strange way, his love is what would motivate me to be able to keep my distance, not to scare him off.  Sure, I could go to China.  I could go to far away, if I know on the other side of the world is a person who is love with me and wants me to come back, but slowly.  If he could send a letter every once in a while with those three words, I could starve myself of all other attention, could just wait until the next time he feels comfortable to be in my arms again.  But without those three words?  Why bother?  Why deprive myself?  Why walk on egg shells?  In the name of love, I could do anything.  But without love?  How much can I do in the name of potential love that may come back after some undetermined amount of time in the future?   

Time

is linear.  Relationships, being a product of time, are also linear.  It's like floating down a river, you can't stop, can't reverse, can only go forward.  Where you are and what's happening right now on the river are a result of what happened upstream.  The way you paddle and what you look out for, what you avoid and what you steer towards, all those things are also products of what happened to you and what you learned upstream.  You can't undo those things, can't unlearn them.  

We pulled out of the river.  Just crashed, burned, and pulled out.  Multiple times even.  Now we're so messed up from what happened on the river, we don't even know how to get back in.  At first I thought it was just him who was guilty of wanting to haul the boat way upstream and put in again at a place that he's comfortable with.  He wants to go back to the beginning.  Back to the part where everything was easy and there were no commitments to be made, no emotions that needed to be recognized.  The water was slow and shallow.  No rapids, no danger.  But I thought, we can't go back that far.  We're here right now, if we're going to get back in this thing, it has to be from this point.  We can't go back and do all that over again.  What's the point? It's already been done.  And even if we bring the boat all the way back to the beginning, it's still not the same as it was before.  The water that was there when we were there before is gone, it's moved on down stream.  You can't step in the same river twice (Thank you, brain, for having all Disney songs memorized and for producing that line at the right time).

Though, maybe I'm guilty too of wanting to haul the boat upstream a bit.  I want to put it in at the place where we were both happy and committed to each other.  That place where the water was quick and strong and cool, but the rapids were small, and we were paddling in tune.  I want to ignore all the bad things that happened after that, want to ignore that big crash and all the pain that happened afterwards.  Want to pretend bad things didn't happen and won't happen again.  But like I said, you can't unlearn the things you learn on the river.  He can't unlearn the distrust, and I suppose I can't blame him for that.  So, yes, I'm guilty too.  I just want to put the boat back in at a different spot.  To stick with the analogy though, it doesn't really make sense to put your boat back in the middle of a class 5 rapid, which is where we pulled out, so I guess we're both right in thinking we have to start again from a different spot.  But if we can't agree on a spot?  Do we just walk away? 

China

The best I could find on YouTube was a cover, but you should listen to the real song.  

Oh maybe somewhere down the line...we'll get back the same time from China.  China, China, far away.  Baby said looks like you're on your way to China. China, China, far away.  Baby said, how long you gonna stay in China?

Weddings

are not a great place for the broken hearted. Don't get me wrong, it was the best wedding ever, there was lots of dancing (Jewish and otherwise), singing, laughing, drinking, toasting, beauty, and love, but at times those things felt like rubbing salt in the wounds. I am hurt, sad, confused, and crushed, and somehow being around people who aren't all those things just doesn't seem fair. The emotional highs and lows of the weekend were brutal. I would alternate between pure happiness and bliss, without a thought of you in my mind, then I would hate you for giving up on me, then I would understand why you left, then I would want to call and tell you I can do whatever you want, if you'll just please take me back. I did text you and never heard back from you, but other men, who were practically strangers, texted me instead and asked me to spend time with them, even if only for a few hours. I didn't go with them, they weren't you. So many questions left unanswered. I'm not sure where I went wrong this time, I don't know what could have been done differently. What I do know is that I could never treat you this way, could never ignore you. Reaching out to you seems so futile now, but I can't stop wanting to try.

Getting Deep

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived."

I am very scared that this is me. And scared I don't know how to changed it

Tonight

As I was leaving class, walking through the dark parking lot with the cold wind stingy my face, I felt drained and exhausted, ready to strip down naked and curl up in a warm bed. But I also felt overwhelmingly happy -- blissful and expectant, like the walk to my car was the best thing I had done all day long and there was something wonderful waiting for me there. And then, after I turned the key and started to drive away, I realized the reason for my excitement. For the past year that long, cold, dark walk has been the last hard thing I had to do in the day. My brain was conditioned. I knew that once I was done with that walk, it was only a few minutes drive home and into the arms of my lover. I knew that he would kiss me and hold me tightly as I drifted off to sleep.

And then I remembered that I couldn't go back to that home. That I had to turn the car around and drive 30 minutes in the opposite direction. That he wasn't waiting for me. That I no longer get to see him at the end of the long day.

And then I started to cry.

I had a dream

we were together. We were laughing and happy, walking hand in hand. There was a ring on my finger and you were proud to call me yours.

It was so painful to wake-up this morning.

I want to believe

in soul mates. I want to believe that he is my soul mate, and that this is just a little bump in the road that we can work on.

On the other hand, I want to date more and see what's out there. But I forgot how much dating sucks, and how little I get along with most people. And I realize that wanting to 'see what's out there' directly conflicts with the desire to have things work out between the two of us.

On the third hand, I think I may have already ruined what was in the first hand, so I guess I just need to get over it and stop waiting for him to call.

It's funny

and kind of scary. It seems like I saw this coming from the beginning.

"Sacrifices must be made and plans changed. And I know there are certain things that I will ask him to sacrifice as well. How much can you give up without resenting the one you gave it to? Will it be worth it in the end? I like to think so, but I wonder if he does too."

I guess he didn't.

How good can it be?

You forced me to face all of your beauty
Then turned your beauty away from yourself
This road that we've taken doesn't seem to stop here
But doesn't seem to go anywhere else

And your heart rests in your chest
Like a charm 'round your neck
That you couldn't find words to refuse

And this high horse you ride
It has broken its stride
As it leads us through worlds built for you

So walk with me a little bit further
So I can find the tenderness you keep inside
God made you with a taste for the madness in love
But you confuse your gift with your pride

And I can't help you with removing that bandage
I will leave you all to yourself while you heal
As I'm learning time is a language
And it's the best way to explain how I feel...

So forgive me for feeling so strongly
But I feel like we can finally agree
That true lovers always end up lonely
Cause they know how good it could be

--Dawes

Procrastination

I don't want to move the rest of my things out. I don't want to make myself at home here. I don't want to find a new place to live. As long as I still have some of my things there, I still have a reason to go back. Still have hope that this is all a bad dream, that we can talk and work things out and I can go back to our home and we can be happy together again. Moving out feels so final.

The best day of your life

is the one on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses.
No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours.
It is an amazing journey and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins.

-- Bob Moawad

This was the home we shared

For the record

there are reasons why we aren't working out. I also need to remind myself of those reasons: I feel I shoulder the brunt of the responsibility in the relationship. I'm the one responsible for coming up with a plan, and also the one responsible for making sure the plan works. He doesn't mind my plans, as long as they don't inconvenience him in any way, shape or form. He doesn't feel the need to come up with any sort of his own plan. He works full time, true, but he needs his free time. He doesn't mind if I don't have free time, as long as I don't ask him to sacrifice any of his. I am responsible for working full time, going to school part time, saving for the future, then going to school full time while I still pay my half of the bills, bearing children, being a mother, and being the bread-winner while he gets to stay home at least part time and be the stay-at-home dad. He doesn't mind being a stay-at-home dad, as long as I do all of the things that are necessary to get us to that point. He is content with life the way it is. I admire that. But I don't admire the inability to foresee what we want our future to be like, and being willing to help work and sacrifice to get there. If he doesn't see the future the same way I see the future, he should speak up with an alternative.

To me, just some slight changes would make our relationship rock solid and long-lasting. To him, those changes aren't slight, they're monumental. And, as he's told me a hundred times before, true love doesn't ask for change. True love accepts the other for the way they are. I suppose that's true, but I also think that true love wouldn't let one person carry the whole load. I think I still love him, but the load I've been bearing has been breaking my back. And now it breaks my (our) heart.

That was joy

Starting 2012

with a broken heart.

Maybe I did this to myself. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I'll never be happy. I wish I knew the answers to these questions. And I wish I knew why, after spending almost two months thinking only about the reasons why it wouldn't work out, now I can only think of all the good things about him?

I wish I had spent more time on this blog documenting the good things. Thinking about them now just feels like picking at old wounds. But I want to remember them. Right now the pain is unbearable, and the only thing I want to do is run back to him and take comfort in his loving arms. Since I can't do that, the second best thing is to take comfort in the memories of the love we shared. I want to write them here in hopes that I can purge them from my thoughts for a while. I hope this can be a vault -- a place to keep these memories safe, but also a place to conceal them from myself until I'm ready to come back to them.

Why didn't I write more about his kind heart? About the warmth in his blue eyes when he smiled? Why didn't I write about all the fun we had? Tubing on warm summer days, going for long hikes and taking our shoes off to dip our toes in the stream while Roxy played in the water, making strawberry lemonades with whiskey in mason jars, reading together on the couch while a fire cracked nearby, playing horseshoes in our campsite or in the backyard, demolition derbies, zombie malls, dancing and singing in the kitchen while making dinner, our wonderful trip to the Sand Dunes, Mesa Verde, and the Grand Canyon, the beautiful home we shared, or just curling up on the couch to watch a movie at the end of a long week. Why didn't I write about how he made me feel like I was the most wonderful girl in the world?

Why didn't I write about the good times when we had them? Now I just want to go back to them.